  2013 Mini JCW Countryman. Click image to enlarge |
Review and photos by Brendan McAleer
“It’s like a Mini on steroids!”
No, random citizen, it’s not LIKE a Mini on Steroids, this JCW Countryman IS a Mini on steroids. It’s a bulked-up, flared-out, knobbly, bulging, vein-popping fireplug of a thing with red racing stripes all over the place in case you weren’t getting the point.
When this over-$50K tester arrived in the driveway, I have to say I was a little bemused by all the high-dollar aggression in a car fitted with an automatic transmission. Are those 19-inch alloys on something that’s only a hair longer than a Honda Fit? They are.
What’s more, this JCW – that’s John Cooper Works, Mini’s in-house performance division named after the developer of the original go-fast ’60s scamps – version of the Countryman is lowered by just less than half an inch, and sports fierce-looking front and rear fasciae. Side-skirts have integrated air intakes, and the rear bumper also incorporates an air diffuser.
All cool stuff, except that much of it isn’t really functional. Those honking great twin exhausts are just plain fake, twin rings that aren’t actually attached to the medium-sized tips emerging from the muffler. I can’t imagine that rally-style diffuser does too much to aid high-speed maneuvers either.
There’s also something a bit oxymoronic about a large Mini, and (channelling Chandler Bing here for a moment) could the rear badging be any larger? If you attached this gargantuan logo to the roof of a 1959 original, the thing could probably fly.
Still, in person, with that down-turned grille mean-mugging away and the signature two-tone red and black accents of Mini’s top-spec JCW line, it’s actually a pretty neat-looking car. It’s like a pug – with rabies.
  2013 Mini JCW Countryman. Click image to enlarge |
How one might feel about the inside of the Countryman is really going to depend how one views Mini’s cartoonish take on interior design. Here, as throughout their lineup, it’s a mixed bag of cutesy-but-functionally-useless (like the centre-mounted speedometer) and very-cool-but-not-really-ergonomic (like the WWI-era-aircraft-style switchgear).
If you like this unique retro look, you’ll surely find the Countryman’s (or any Mini’s) interior a nice place to be, with its dark repeated circles for air vents, speaker grilles and display screens. If you’re not in love with the cute factor, just wait: there’s a refresh/redesign in the pipeline for the 2014 Cooper, so some tweaks to the Countryman’s innards will surely follow.
There’s also quite a bit of room in here, both for front and rear passengers, and while seating three abreast in the back is a tad tight, it is at least possible. At launch, the Countryman came with a centre-mounted multi-function rail that could be fitted with different accessories, all of which rattled and looked silly.
Rear trunk room – “Nein, nein, it’s ein boot” – sorry, das boot-space is pretty tight, but can be made to fit a running stroller with the removal of the parcel shelf. There’s also a slightly raised portion on the floor that lifts up so that smaller loose items can be stored. It would be great if this could also be removed as you’d get an extra few inches of clearance, but it’s fixed in place. No spare tire of course – like most BMW products these days, the German-designed Mini uses run-flat tires, which can be ruinously expensive to replace.
As a top-line JCW Mini, much is standard in here, like automatic climate control, Bluetooth, front sport bucket seats and a few other nice touches like an anthracite headliner and piano-black trim. However, there are plenty of ways to claw your way up the pricing sheet, with a $1,990 Premium Package setting up the sunroof and heated seats and a $1,850 Wired Package supplying navigation and smartphone integration. Back-up sonar costs $450 and is probably not really necessary in such a small vehicle. Also questionable was the $390 for Comfort Access – this smart-key system is poorly executed with tiny, extremely fiddly rubber buttons on the front door handles.
   2013 Mini JCW Countryman. Click image to enlarge |
My tester was further cosmetically kitted out with the aforementioned 19-inch alloys (18s are standard on the JCW version but the Cooper’s 17s should clear brakes for winter duty), blacked out headlights and $500-worth of red striping. As we know, stripes make cars go way faster, so this is totally worth it.
If the stripes won’t work, then the 208-hp 1.6L turbocharged engine will. Huffed on and fiddled with by BMW’s in-house JCW tuners, the all-aluminium pint-sized four-pot is around 15 percent more powerful than the normal Cooper S Countryman. Doing some quick back-of-the-napkin math, that’s $318.52 per horse. Yikes.
Obviously the JCW has further upgrades than just more power, so you get the aforementioned sportier handling and cosmetic enhancements inside and out. You also have a choice of transmissions, with either a six-speed manual (rare in the crossover market segment) or, as here, a six-speed automatic transmission with paddle-shifters.
While I would very much prefer a six-speed manual myself for involvement, it’s better that this tester has got the automatic option, as that’s how most of these hi-po Countrymen (Countrymans?) will be purchased. After a short drive, I have a few complaints.
In regular mode, the automatic is smooth and the 1.6L engine spools up nicely, but there is a lot of weight to haul around. At 1,497 kg (3,300 lb), the JCW Countryman is only about 100 kilos heavier than something like a five-door Volkswagen GTI with equivalent on-paper power levels, but the parasitic loss from the standard all-wheel-drive and slight turbo lag make getting off the line slower than you might think. The weight also affects fuel-economy – I averaged 10.4 L/100 km in mixed usage over the week, which is hardly stellar. Premium fuel too.
Also, Mini has fitted annoying push-away, pull-toward symmetrical paddle-shifters. When even Honda offers the correct left-hand-downshifts, right-hand-upshifts pattern on their family sedan, you expect the most-sporty version of a vehicle from a company that makes a big hullabaloo about driving pleasure to get this sort of thing right.
Putting things in Sport mode makes throttle tip-in sharper and livens everything up, but the transmission now hammers a bit hard on shifts. It feels like a Goldilocks middle option is needed here, although I’d expect Sport Mode with a manual to be the most satisfying. They also say the Sport button uncorks the exhaust, but there’s little of the playful note of a normal two-door Cooper S here, and next to the delightful flatulence of the Fiat 500 Abarth, the Countryman might as well be a Rolls Royce.
Hammering through a corner, the All4 all-wheel-drive system, sticky summer tires and extra-sharp Mini steering are exactly as you’d expect. This thing has ridiculously high levels of grip in the dry and, with the ability to shunt up to 50 percent of the power to the rear wheels, none of the tire-scrubbing oversteer of its front-wheel-drive stablemates. It’s also a bit less fun, not so much scampering along like a go-kart as faithfully sticking to the road like a Hot Wheels in its orange track.
   2013 Mini JCW Countryman. Click image to enlarge |
When not driving like you’re fleeing the carabinieri with an extra-large cargo of stolen gold, the JCW Countryman is quite comfortable over broken surfaces, but has much too darty steering to be relaxing to drive at highway speeds. This is not so much a complaint as one of the chief characteristics about the car – part of that Mini DNA is a very aggressive steering rack, and despite the electric power-assist it still has good feedback.
But repeated trips along both curving roads and in stop and go traffic really made one thing crystal clear. The driver’s choice here must be the manual transmission – great steering, great traction and a willing chassis are all very well, but without a quicker-shifting auto with more satisfying controls, why bother moving up from a normal Countryman Cooper S? After all, if you want all the go-fast looks, you can just select them as options.
With a stick shift though, this big-small, heavy-light, powerful-moderate expensive contradiction in terms might actually make some kind of sense. Yes, for the money you could buy a nicely equipped Mazda CX-5 and a track-rat Miata to go with it, but as a top-dog compact luxury crossover, there’s not much out there that’s as much of a hoot to drive.*
Too bad we have to add in a Barry Bonds–style asterisk.
* With the six-speed manual
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Pricing: 2013 Mini JCW Countryman All4
Base Price (Countryman Cooper S All4): $29,900
Base Price (JCW Countryman All4): $38,500
Options: $10,785 (Premium Package — $1,990; Wired Package — $1,850; six-speed Auto — $1,300; Sound Package — $990; 19-inch Alloys — $750; Championship Leather — $1,900; Park Distance Control, Adaptive Headlights, Stripes, etc — $2,005)
Freight: $1,955
A/C Tax: $100
Price as tested: $51,340
Crash Test Results:
National Highway Traffic Safety Administration
Insurance Institute for Highway Safety
