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Author Topic: Friday Funnies III  (Read 1113187 times)

Offline Triple Bob

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Re: Friday Funnies III
« Reply #40 on: March 17, 2005, 06:18:44 pm »
In the news...

CADILLAC CTS DESIGNERS MEET FOR FIRST TIME AT PARTY

There were joyous scenes at Cadillac last week as the designers of the company's mid-size model met for the first time, completely by chance. Deputy Executive Vice-Chairman of Vehicle System Quality Analysis Control Implementation, Betsy Krull had organised an informal drinks party to mark the retirement of Jim Titan, Cadillac's Senior Executive Junior President of Vehicle Electronic Component Verification and Assessment Division. Little did she realise the momentous occasion it was to become.
'I kinda went along to say goodbye to Jim,' said Chip Schnellhammer, Senior Vice-Assistant Vehicle Styling Manager, Rear Side Aperture Division, 'but then I got talking to this guy and he's like, "I just did the front doors on the new CTS" and I was like, "no way man, I did the back doors". You know, I kinda wish we'd met before now 'cuz we got on pretty good and, you know, we coulda teamed up to, like, try to make the door handles the same height and stuff.'  

There was another revelation for Bud Finklestein, Executive Chief Rear Licence Plate & Trunk Adornment Design Systems Process Vice-Manager. 'I finally met the guy who did the trunk lid on the CTS and I was pretty blown away. He's a great guy but I was kinda embarrassed 'cuz I had no idea he was gunna make the trunk that size. You know, I was thinkin' of something bigger so I made the licence plate surround pretty big. I've given him my cellphone number so we can talk and, who knows, maybe next time we'll get things in proportion or something.'

Senior Rear Quarter Vehicle Design Conceptualisation and Realisation Vice-Assistant-Junior Product Manager (Upper Sector Division) Skip Weekleburger was less ebulient; 'I just hooked up with my opposite number from Lower Sector Division. He seemed pretty pissed that I put a crease in the D-pillar at the bottom of my design area 'cuz he'd gone and put one at the top of his design area. Kinda looks a bit messy now I think about it, what with the other crease he's got on there. That's a whole heap o' creases. Perhaps the designers should, like, actually meet up next time.'  

Cadillac's owners, GM, are clearly delighted with this impromptu meeting and are already planning more formal 'Design Process Dress Down Socialisation Scenarios'. 'The Caddy guys got on real good,' said a spokesman, 'so next week we're hoping to get the Corvette clutch and gearbox guys to talk to each other.
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Choosing a car based on reliability is like choosing a wife based solely because she is punctual. There is more to it than that...

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Re: Friday Funnies III
« Reply #41 on: March 17, 2005, 11:06:43 pm »
Some pretty funny stuff guys.
Sign in.....too much Saffy.
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Offline DriverJeff

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Re: Friday Funnies III
« Reply #42 on: March 18, 2005, 12:41:28 pm »
Now THAT'S a good one, Bob.  THanks!
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Offline safristi

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Re: Friday Funnies III
« Reply #43 on: March 18, 2005, 12:42:54 pm »
"I LOVE JEFF! WILSON" now c'mon admit it Jeffy..ya had Fe_Male!!!!!
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Offline DriverJeff

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Re: Friday Funnies III
« Reply #44 on: March 18, 2005, 12:46:14 pm »
???????
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Offline safristi

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Re: Friday Funnies III
« Reply #45 on: March 18, 2005, 12:48:11 pm »
Denial IS a river in Eddjit..err EGYPT...you HAVE MAIL above.....^^^^^^
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Offline DriverJeff

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Re: Friday Funnies III
« Reply #46 on: March 18, 2005, 12:53:00 pm »
Ha ha... now I get it.  :-)

Time for lunch.

(Message edited by jeff1 on March 18, 2005)
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Offline mrthompson

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Re: Friday Funnies III
« Reply #47 on: March 18, 2005, 12:54:10 pm »
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Offline inco

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Re: Friday Funnies III
« Reply #48 on: March 18, 2005, 01:33:29 pm »
cutegif
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Offline safristi

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Re: Friday Funnies III
« Reply #49 on: March 18, 2005, 01:59:41 pm »
OK NOW fess up whose name did YOU type IN??????
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Offline safristi

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Re: Friday Funnies III
« Reply #50 on: March 18, 2005, 02:04:01 pm »
par
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Roadrunner

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Re: Friday Funnies III
« Reply #51 on: March 18, 2005, 02:21:33 pm »
I didn't know he had a parrot.
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Offline random006

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Re: Friday Funnies III
« Reply #52 on: March 18, 2005, 02:41:14 pm »
Check this out if you have half an hour or so.  John Cleese is up to his usual tricks.

Lots of links to various rooms.

http://www.backuptrauma.com/video/default2.aspx
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Offline Scaerio

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Re: Friday Funnies III
« Reply #53 on: March 18, 2005, 03:23:18 pm »
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just  
did?"

The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his arse, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his arse, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to sh*t out that cue ball, he measures everything first."
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Offline safristi

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Re: Friday Funnies III
« Reply #54 on: March 19, 2005, 08:31:49 am »
Dammit Roady..YA WERE READING THE NOTE!!!!..need ta get yer eyes tested!!!!
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Offline inco

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Re: Friday Funnies III
« Reply #55 on: March 25, 2005, 10:22:15 am »
The following public service announcement is intended for mature audiences who are planning on getting married in the next six months.This would include BobbyD, even though he has been practising longer than Jeff - 10 years versus 7.

It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position.  

The husband sits up and begs.  

The wife rolls over and plays dead...
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Offline inco

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Re: Friday Funnies III
« Reply #56 on: March 25, 2005, 10:23:52 am »
CHINESE SICK LEAVE: I NOT COME WORK TODAY!!!  

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work  
today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I  
not come work."  

The boss says, "You know, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I  
feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes  
everything better and I go work. You try that."  

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I  
feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."...
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Offline initial_D

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Re: Friday Funnies III
« Reply #57 on: April 02, 2005, 01:26:54 am »
The Car Song - By Todd Butler

It all started when I took this job as a private investigator specializing in locating people; the company was called Pathfinder...
My first job--my Quest, if you will-- was to Focus on this Regal Viper and Tracker on her latest Excursion from Tacoma to Dakota via Montana. Safari as I could tell, this Swift little Troopers' Expedition had left a Tahoe of Maxima heartache from Park Avenue to Silverado. Her name, was Savannah Isuzu. I was Bentley on finding her no matter how Ferrari I Honda go to do it ( besides, this little Venture was my Passport to the Ultima Golf Oddessey and I wasn't about to Passat up!).

I finally Saab her in some rundown joint in Surrey. Seducing her was Integra to my plan so--not wanting to appear Jeep-- I ordered some Lamborghini and Saturn next to her. She had the Mitsubishi.

" Audi " I said, "been lookin' Ford ta meetin' ya. Jimmy Durango's the name, but my friends call me Intrepid. What's yer sign?".
" Taurus " she cooed.
I had to Explorer right then so I slid my hand onto her Neon under the Sable.
" I'm takin' Vitara " I offered, trying to Impreza. ( she seemed Intrigued by my Mystique...? ).
"Camaro " she whispered, so, being as Cavalier as I could, I leaned towards her (expecting a kiss) but she Dodged at the last moment and I Rammed my face into the back of her chair.
"That Mustang" she laughed.
Then she leaned over and whispered in my ear, "Jetta life, Durango".  
I knew right then a Hummer was out of the question.

"Hey, don't call 911" I sneered, "I Mazda mistaken you for someone looking for a Buick Chevrolet. You obviously don't know what yer Nissan". I could feel her Mercury rising.
"Lexus get one thing straight Durango. If you're Lincoln you can just Rolls Royce in here, get me Lotus and Probe my Volvo...you've got another thing comin', Pontiac!" Obviously she was no Porsche over but, I had my pride Hyundai wasn't about to Legacy my embarrassment.
"Toyota have the doorman throw you out" she chided, "but I Cadillac ya".

My low self-Esteem seemed to Echo through the joint but it was but a Prelude to the Insight I gained when she Volkswagen vanished like a Mirage on the Breeze.

"Yugo!", I shouted. Chrysler, she's good, I thought!

I suffered from Sonoma that night; a night that seemed to go on for Infiniti. When morning came, it felt like a Century had passed and I knew my days at the company were over, she'd Sentra that. I'll never find Acura for the heartache she caused me and Daewoo the day I ever heard the name...Savannah Isuzu.

The End

http://www.toddbutler.com/carnames.html
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Offline ovr50

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Re: Friday Funnies III
« Reply #58 on: April 02, 2005, 01:32:56 am »
Good one, Initial.
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Roadrunner

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Re: Friday Funnies III
« Reply #59 on: April 02, 2005, 04:18:11 pm »
Yep, excellent post. 5* too.
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