Topic: Friday Funnies III

[inco]

Some days are better than others:

Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got
underway immediately.
 
The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.
 
The robbers cracked the first safe's combination,
and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio  
tape system, one robber said, "At least we'll  
have a bit to eat."

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also
contained nothing but vanilla pudding.
 
The process continued until all safes were opened.
They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold.

Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.
 
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.
 
The newspaper headline that day read:
 
IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY
THIS MORNING......

[Ericthejet]

Better you than me.

[safristi]

[Brig]

, Saff.

[Triple Bob]

[safristi]

H'audi pardners I'm hung like a horse,hence the long face....~!!!

[Barrie1]

Only the face is long? What about your tail.

[safristi]

Knock yerself out on these..the flying lawnmower is fer S60....

 http://www.allowe.com/Humor/video.htm#TheNewStuff

[S60]

[Weebl]

A man walks into a pub and sits down.  He orders himself a beer from the bartender, and finishes it as he pulls out a miniature piano and a foot tall tiny man from a duffle bag.  He put the empty glass next to the piano and ordered himself another beer.  The tiny man began playing the piano; it was the most beautiful music anyone had ever heard, that many people in the pub came up to them and started putting tips into the empty glass.

"Where on earth did you get that piano player?" the bartender asked the man.

"I was walking along the beach last summer and found a lamp that had washed up on shore," he replied.  "Just for kicks, I thought I'd give the lamp a rub not really expecting anything, but a genie appeared and granted me a wish."

"I see," said the bartender, wondering why someone would want the piano player as his wish.

"The genie will grant everyone one wish only the first time they rub the lamp.  Would you like to make a wish?" the man asked the bartender as he pulls it out of his duffle bag.

"Why thank you.  Don't mind if I do."  The bartender rubbed the lamp, and the genie appeared.

"I grant you one wish.  Whisper it in my ear, and it will be my command" the genie told the bartender.

He did as he was told, and with that, the genie disappeared in a cloud of smoke, and the whole pub was filled with ducks quacking away.

"What the???" the bartender was stunned.  "I told him I wanted a million BUCKS, not a million DUCKS!" he protested.

The man replied to him, "Well, the genie does seem to be a little hard of hearing.  Do you really think I wished for a twelve inch pianist?"

[Scaerio]

Thanks Saff!  That's a great site!

[DriverJeff]

Yeah, thanks Saffy.  I think I need a nice cigar tonight.  

[safristi]

Aye... there's the rub...sometimes a cigar is just a cigar..my good Freud....!!!!

[sirAQUAMAN64]

Awesome site. I eMailed myself and friends with it. Some nice finds! I liked the Tuborg Beer Goggles one myself! Well, among many, many others!

Have a great week-end guys and gals!

[safristi]

Fantabulous site Saffy..great goin'..hoo hooo..WDF!! that was ME......alla babies still waitin' fer their bottles and diapering before poopin' der pants wif laughter...OK they are ALSO SATURDAY/WEEKED FUNNIES!!!!

[Black Hatch]

http://www.theresingles.uni.cc/singles/index.php
http://www.worldofwarcraft.com/contests/04-10-costume-reallife/04-winners.shtml
http://www.heavy.com/heavy.php?channel=dungeonMajesty

Mostly fantasy stuff.

[inco]

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."  

"The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."  

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year."  The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "that's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."  

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year."  

The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "that's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."  

The husband looked at her and said, "go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."

[inco]

The train was quite crowded, so the U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.  

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You
hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.

And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong out the window."

[inco]

A small Alberta Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
 
Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of DSW, a redneck part-time intern, who was responsible for cleaning the animal's cages. DSW, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The administrator thought they might have a solution. DSW was approached with a proposition.
 
Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
 
DSW showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, DSW announced that he would accept their offer, but only under the following four conditions.
 
1 "First," DSW said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips." The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.
 
2. "Second", DSW said, "you must never tell anyone about this". The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.
 
3. "Third," DSW said, "I want all the offspring to be raised Baptist." Once again the administrator agreed.
 
4. And last of all DSW stated "You've got to give me another week to come up with the $500.00.

[Brig]

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him
to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."