I'm at Open Road BMW right now. They just got it on the rack and measured (with a Hunter Hawkeye) and the alignment is way, way off.
Front left camber -1 deg 18'
Front right camber -0 deg 12'
Rear left camber -2 deg 34'
Rear right camber -1 deg 54'
FL, RL, RR are far out of spec. This compares to the other shop who measured both sides roughly equal and in spec.

Left caster 5 deg 11'
Right caster 5 deg 39' (this is good, so about 0.5 deg extra right caster so should resist crowning a little...possibly by design)
Toe looks mostly ok. Doubt the car has a bent frame or anything like that.
Getting adjusted now. Phew.