Photos by Autos.ca contributors; photo above by Brendan McAleer
Dear All-Conquering Overlord
We are gathered here today, with our dearly beloved, to celebrate the feast of Thanksgiving by shovelling your most delicious creatures, having passed through heat and death and smothering in various gravies, into our drooling yaps so we may have sustenance. We give thanks to you for the delicious birds and beasts and vegetation we’re about to ravenously inhale while reflecting upon the numerous blessings of the past year, and thinking to those blessings that are looming in the year ahead.
Thank you, dear Lord, for the increasingly affordable influx of safety systems that watch the road ahead, even in brief moments where crappy drivers aren’t, to keep them from whacking into us. We thank you for automakers like Mazda, Chevrolet, Nissan and Dodge, for making these sorts of systems possible, and affordable, for the worst of your drivers, so that they may not cause us harm.
And thank you as well, Lord, for Ford. Mainly, for building the new F-150 out of lightweight aluminum created from things people mine out of your earth’s crust, to help other people haul around heavy things and use less gasoline doing it. We figure that’s pretty solid. Oh, and solid job on the new Mustang. It looks sweet. So, thanks for that.
2015 Ford Mustang 2.3L EcoBoost, 2015 Ford F-150, 2014 Chevrolet Corvette Stingray Convertible. Click image to enlarge
And thank you, dear Lord, for the ever-expanding use of turbochargers, which you created to give mankind more torque, better fuel mileage, and an easy pass to cheap power upgrades with a simple reprogramming of the vehicle’s engine management software – though we, your children, know this is naughty, ill-advised, will void our warranties, and we won’t do it, ever.
We’d like you to give a shout out to the people at Chevrolet responsible for the new Corvette Stingray, which we love because it’ll lay the smack down on big-dollar cars all day long and is affordable enough that we can maybe have one, one day. So thanks for that. Ditto the new GM small pickups, the Canyon and Colorado, named after two of your most beautiful geographical creations, which are launching soon. So, bless us, oh lord, for these thy not-recycled-eight-year-old compact pickups, which we are about to receive, from thy bounty, through our local GM dealers, Amen.
And, thanks a whackload for making the new Kia Sedona minivan, since some of us have families and need a minivan, and this one looks pretty spiffy to be sure.
We, your car people, would also like to give thanks for Mitsubishi, for making the affordable little Mirage and its great warranty, and for continuing to sell the Evo, which is getting a bit old, but still hauls serious ass and makes great snow-donuts in the wintertime, for which we are grateful.
2015 Kia Sedona, 2014 Mitsubishi Mirage, 2015 Mazda5. Click image to enlarge
Further, we offer up thanks for that sweet-looking new Honda Civic Type R, in all its Japanese glory. Though we Canadians may not be worthy to receive the blessing of such a turbocharged, VTEC-equipped plaything here, we beseech thee to pretty, pretty please convince the people at Honda to bring it here and we promise we’ll buy it.
Also, Lord, remember what we car folk say: that God is great, God is good, and that God’s got a blown HEMI under the hood. So, thank you lord, finally, for the Challenger Hellcat, which is going just going to be monkey-nuts.
Anyhow. We digress. Lord, we thank you for all of the food, and horsepower, and gravy, and high-tech automotive gadgets that make your car folks smile while we gather around the table, or in the garage on Sunday afternoons with grown-up beverages. And now, let’s chow. Amen.